Hidden

March 17, 2017 jeanne w.

Sometimes I am hidden. In flowers. With flowery writing. In this computer. With BaringPain. Sometimes I am hidden. In Our Hebron Home. In a Place of Pain. With Room. For Beauty. Sometimes right in the midst of the world crashing against me does not care i can be found, hidden. In Dark Corners. On beaches. In Hana. Down in deep blue beautiful depths. Way up high, In the Air. Of Haleakala. In clouds of ideas I can see but can not touch with the tips of my fingers nor can I gather up from the vog, ashes can't be collected, sift through the fingers, of my hand. Sometimes I am hidden. In ashes. Layered. In a Heart of Stone. Sometimes I am hidden. In the mouth of the World, Crashing Against me. Does not care. In Darkness. Sometimes I am hidden. In the Mouth of The Word. Caring. Against me. Let there be Light. There is Light. To see. I am. So dark, so Bright. Sometimes no one can really. Not really. Can any one. really. See. Me. So. Sometimes. I remain. Hidden. In Flowers.

Because something has happened. To my mind and my heart and my body and soul. Something has happened and keeps happening something I fight to stop with bloody knuckles but I can't stop and I can be glad that I have. Bloody Knuckles. Can't Stop. Something I want to go away, but it won't. Ever. Really. Go away. It won't. Not here. In the Land of the Living. In the Midst. Of Pain.

Prolonged exposure. Unending relentless. Pain. In the Past. In the Present. In my heart and my mind and my body. In my soul. Purposeful. Accidental. Pain. Unintentional. Intentional. Preventable. Unpreventable. Pain. You're too sensitive. You're insensitive. You're crazy. You're not.... you're not crazy. You're not nice. You are mean. But you're, kind, Pain. You are. Sometimes, you are.

Prolonged exposure. Unending relentless. Beauty. In the Past. In the Present. In my heart and my mind and my body. In my soul. Purposeful. Not accidental. Beauty. Intentional. Unpreventable. Beauty. You're not too sensitive. You're not insensitive. You're not.... you're not crazy. you're not nice. you are mean. But you're Mine. You are, kind, Beauty. Always, You Are.

Yes, something has happened. To me and in me. And it causes and keeps causing me to wander. Off. Until I am hidden. In Flowers.

Pain. It's intimate. And it happens. To me and in me. Taking me places, To have me, all to itself. Hidden. Alone. Right now, I lie on a hard wooden floor of a hallway, I sit in a place for pain in front of a Window. Of Creation. I work in a washing room. Being washed. I am held in a Bath Room. Rocking. In Arms That Rock. Hidden. Alone. Baring Pain. That only I and this window see. You can't see. I am hidden. Alone. With Pain. Is private. Drags me, down, into depths. Deep blue sea depths. Hidden. Depths. Of Hidden. Private. Pain. Rises up, to the heights, so close I can taste. Relief. But I can't touch. Even the edge. Because my toes. This Hill. Won't lift me. That high. And my knees hurt. Give way. Fall. From the heights. And I ache. When I land. With Pain. Here. On this hard wooden floor of a hallway. Where I can see, by the light of the sun, from here to there - but I can't make it. That far. I want to. But I can't. It's too dark. It's too much. Hidden. Here. Baring Pain.

So I wander off until I am hidden. Amongst the flowers. In the deep blue beautiful depths. Rising up with the clouds, In the Air. With Whispers. Of Good News. In the warmth of the sun on hard wooden floors. Meditating. With Pain. Praying. With Beauty. That I might find. What's hidden. Inside. This Pain. Under the surface. The source. Of this Pain, hidden under Pain, under Pain, under bridges of rainbows of Pain upon Pain. There are layers. In. this. Infection. Is deep. Way down deep. In the mind and the heart and the body and the soul. It takes Time. And Space. And Silence. And work. To dig. I am not too weak, I am too weak to dig, down deep. So I beg. I am not too proud to beg, but sometimes I am, too proud. To beg. But I will. Dig and keep digging and beg and keep begging. Shoveling through these layers of ash takes strength. Takes Strength and Knowledge and Wisdom. I don't have. By Grace. I will. Through Faith. I have. Friends. Who have been where I am, maybe even already are where I am going. Professionals. Who have dug and begged and shoveled, longer than me. Who know more than I know. I keep. Admitting. I don't know. Will never know. But will, by Grace, keep working, through Faith, keep begging and digging to know. Hidden. Sources. Of Trauma. Remaining Hidden. Silent. With Pain. So I can hear. Whispers. In the moment. Pain. Recedes. Beauty. Reveals. A source. Of Hidden. Trauma. Bearing Pain. Found. When I'm hidden. Silent. Meditating. Doing Nothing. Until sources surface. Rise up to the top. Discovered, uncovered. Revealed. When I'm Hidden. In the Mouth of the Word. Eating. In prayer. Asking. In suffering. Receiving. In a journal. Wondering. Paying attention to clues. Following. Not being afraid. Listening. To hear. Mind. Body. Soul. Cries. Silenced. Voices. Lead me, when I follow and don't ignore or numb or discount. Nor will I avoid. But sometimes I do. That's why I won't stop. Praying. Reading. Meditating. Journaling. Working. Begging. Digging. Shoveling. Through Layers. Of Ash. There's something. Hidden. Here. Causing me to keep wandering off. Until I find. I am hidden. In the Flowers. Baring Pain. In the ash. Something Hidden. Here. In the ash. Baring Beauty. In Flowers.

Beauty. Sometimes. Can only be truly seen. Only heard. Fully understood. When I am Hidden. In Flowers. Alone. I spent most of my life. Alone. Hiding. Denying. Avoiding. Burying. Pain. The world could not bear. To see. Hear. Feel. Know. I was alone. Listening. To the world. Don't be sad. Don't be mad. Don't be upset. While it crashed against me. Don't worry. Don't be angry. While the world, not caring. Stands saying. Don't be mean. Don't be this. Don't be that. Don't be so. Sensitive. You're too sensitive. Stop. Acting. Like that. Don't cry. Don't yell. Don't be. Stop being. Like that. Only I couldn't. Stop. Feeling what I felt. Couldn't. Stop. Acting. Like. that. Couldn't stop. Being. Like that. Because I wasn't acting. I was just trying. To let. Out Pain. I was. Just being. Hidden. They world kept me hiding. In Pain. Until it became. Hidden. Inside. Me. So deep. Takes me years. To unlearn. Not feeling, what I feel. I have to learn. Again. How to feel what I feel. So I can stop. Acting. Out of Pain. Start living. Out of Beauty. Requires me. To be. Sometimes Hidden. Learning how. To dig up what I had to bury. To fit in. With this world. I don't fit into. This World. Crashing against me does not care. If I fit in. Pain. Does not care. If Pain is fit. Inside of me. Thank God. Beauty. Caring. Beauty. Fit. Into me. Keeps fitting. Forming. Healing. Inside of me. What I've been hiding. Years and tears, of Hidden Pain.

Beauty. He's intimate. Taking me places, to have me, all to Himself. Because He says. I'm Worthy. Of feeling what I feel. Knowing, what I'm acting. Out. Know how where to find. Heal. That. Pain. Giving me. Private Time. Sole Attention. Making Time, make time, for me. Making Space, make room, for me. Calling me Worthy. Calling me Lovely.. Bringing me Flowers. Where I am Hidden. Alone. With Love. Sometimes. Resting. Quietly. In the Light. Of the Son. Being Loved. Until Pain. Recedes. Cast out. By Perfect. Love. Right now, I lie on a hard wooden floor of a hallway, in front of a Window. Of Creation. That only I and this window see. You can't see. I am Hidden. Alone. With Beauty. Is private. Drags me, down, into depths of Love. Deep blue Depths. Of Beauty. Takes me up, to the heights, so close I can taste. But I can't touch. I can't reach. Even the edge. Because my toes. This Hill. Won't lift. Me. That high. So Beauty. Bends down. To me. And my knees. Give way. Fall. Free. And it feels. Good. To land. Here. I ache here. With Beauty. I am Still. Here. Baring Beauty. On this hard wooden floor of a hallway. Where I can see, by the light of the sun, from here to there - but I can't make it. That far. I want to. But I can't. It's too much. Baring Beauty. Comes to me. Hidden. In Flowers.

So. sometimes I remain hidden. With Pain. With Beauty. To see. I can't see. God. I can't see. Search me. Dig. I can't dig. Show me. Tell me. I want to hear. Hidden Pain. I can't hear. Hidden Beauty. Whisper. Good News. I don't understand. Is there something hidden? In my Heart of Stone? Something layered, in the ash? Something not Good. I beg. Plead. For Mercy. Insight. I meditate. With Pain. With Beauty. I understand. In The Word. Away from the white noise of the world, does not care, will not listen. Tells me not to listen. But I listen. Anyway. To Pain. To Beauty. I know. Where Wisdom. Counsel. Knowledge. Greater than my own. Are Hidden. Just for me. So that I. See. Hear. Understand. Know. I am Seen. Heard. Understood. Known. And then I know. Where I'm hiding. What I'm hiding from. And Why. I'm hiding. And when I know. I find. Myself Hidden. In Beauty. I can rest. Here. From hiding. I can Be Still. Here. I am still. Here. Hidden. No longer do I need to hide. Here. In Flowers.

But Flowers...look and smell. sometimes even taste. And Feel. Good. So it's no wonder that you might often find me. Hidden in Flowers. Beauty-Full Flowers.